Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
