Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
