i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
