i came on her dog
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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