Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
