Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
