i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
