you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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