She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
