Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Randomize
