Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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