he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
not ubering you a puppy
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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