You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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