you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
vagina is talking i cant
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
