Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
