I can't watch pbs sober anymore
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
