He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
