Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
