She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
