It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You ruined the universe
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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