Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
