Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
