so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
