There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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