I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
