i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
