I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
