I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Less talking, more tequila
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
