i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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