Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
