some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
