Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
