I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
