So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
