Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
