why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He shit in the fireplace
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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