Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize