oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
