I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Randomize
