before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
