My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
