It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
