Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
