Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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