I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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