I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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