Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
