Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
