i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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