His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
