So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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