I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
