who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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