Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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