...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
