Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
