My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
