I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
