I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
