She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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