the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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