I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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